Seeking Validation from Others
September 21, 2023 | My Thoughts | By: Taylor Cole
I listened to this podcast the other day and there was this moment where the conversation between the host and the interviewee led to a line of “seeking validation from other people”. At that very moment, I felt it in my bones. This is it. This is my problem. This is everything that I struggle with on a daily basis. It felt similar to that revelation I experienced back in February of this year. It’s where your veins surge with adrenaline, goosebumps appear on your forearms, your neck quivers and your jaw tightens ever so slowly. It’s that moment where you realize, “oh, they are talking about me.” The podcast itself wasn’t about seeking validation, but just hearing it out loud, in conversation between two people, made me realize that this is the burden I carry.
Where it all began
I’m not quite sure when this “seeking validation from others” began, but probably from a very young age because looking back, I can’t quite remember a time where I wasn’t doing something to make others love me.
When I was in elementary school, I was so shy and every first day of school from Kindergarten through Fifth Grade, without fail, I would cry and beg my mom not to make me go. I’d tell her, “my stomach hurts” and “I think I’m going to be sick”. She would tell me, “You’re just nervous, it’s good to be nervous, it means you care!” She got me a new little angel pin each school year. She would put it on my backpack and tell me, “This is your guardian angel. Whenever you feel nervous, look at this pin and know that you are safe.” This is what would get me through every first day and every other day throughout the year that I felt nervous, anxious or afraid. It was this pin and the promise of God’s deliverance in difficult moments that got me through the first days of school and I thank my mom for instilling this in me at such a young age.
The "truth" we cling to
This begs the question, what was this little girl so afraid of?
I used to call it the “unknown” as I would cry in my dad’s arms as he would rock me to bed through the difficult days. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, and that scared me. To be quite honest, it still scares me a little bit. As I grew older, I began clinging on to the things I knew to be true. I knew that my faith was important to me and with the help of close friends and guidance of positive mentors, church became a twice weekly vocation of mine where I would find peace and restoration- a safe place. In church, I learned about God’s greatest commandment: to love others as God loved you. I took this and RAN with it. This became another truth. I wanted to give out love like I was Santa Claus on Christmas morning. To me, God’s greatest gift deserved to be shared with the world and every person needed to know.
It’s a funny little thing that our minds have this power to take a good thing, and turn it to a self-serving need to fulfill a deep ache inside our heart. With my fear of the “unknown” still very much taking captive over my thoughts, I clung to the one truth that I knew would always feel good- to love others. I know you’re probably thinking, “That’s great! What’s so wrong with loving others?” Well, nothing is wrong with loving others, of course, it’s God’s greatest commandment to man, so, of course it’s good! However, I turned loving others into a need to fulfill my own self-worth and identity. The positive reactions you receive when you show love to another person, that’s a good feeling and it’s typically true: Give love and you will receive love in return.
But, what about those moments where you disappoint someone, where you disagree with a statement someone makes, or you, simply put, just can’t make someone love you? My heart aches for the need to please others around me. I need that validation from other people to fuel my worth as a human. I am not good unless people say I am good. If people don’t feel loved when they interact with me, then the one thing I know to be true is a lie. Seeking validation became my coping mechanism to feel fulfilled.
Giving vs receiving love
I think, in writing this, I have realized that I have confused God’s commandment to give love with that of receiving love. God’s promise was never that people were going to love you back, but rather: to love people despite the love you’re given. This validation that I continue to seek from other people is nothing but a misunderstanding of a Kindergartener trying to get through her first day of school.
It’s crazy how you can go almost 20 years of doing the same thing over and over and believe that what you’re doing is “the right thing”, when in reality, you’ve been living in the shadows of what God really has in store for you. My life has been limited to this sphere of what makes everyone else happy. It’s worked so far to get me to this point, but I think I’m starting to outgrow it. These growing pains are what will lead me toward freedom and what God has in store for me next. This is one of those moments where everything is about to change for me. These self-inflicted chains are starting to rust and I’m beginning to see “seeking validation from others” for what it really is: a lie that I once thought to be true.